Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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