with your own penis?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
