I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize