I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
