Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
