i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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