is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
is that a dick in a sweater?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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