tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
