Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Everyone says I win the strip club
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
