I want you more than these girls want KFC
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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