oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
