i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I supernannyed him into submission
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
