shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
