I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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