Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
