At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
