i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So much rum. So many feels.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
