theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
