So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
