so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
