Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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