My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
