i don't like sucking hair
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
