he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize