what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
