hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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