my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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