If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
