I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
