i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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