I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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