My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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