My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
