he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
if only i could text you this smell
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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