i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
