When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
