I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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