textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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