It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
