I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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