If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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