Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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