note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize