We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
