Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
