Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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