i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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