i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
