I want to walk on stilts...naked
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize