So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
