i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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