Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
