I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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