its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
