There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
