so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This baby is an asshole
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
