He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
