Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
