the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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