Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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