Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
