I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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