My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
