wanna go halves on a baby?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
