Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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