I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we should paint friendship bongs
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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