yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
