Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
