I think I died a long time ago.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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