why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize